the pain is real

 

January is a bleak time of year for me. It can be a time of overwhelming sadness. Of regrets and what ifs, depression and thoughts of suicide. I have warring factions in my brain. I want to feel well — as least well enough to cope with the day-to-day. On the other hand, I want to let go and sink into that familiar feeling of despair. 

I’m having some feel-good days, some okay days and some days when I tank. Today I tanked. We had an ice storm come through. I was prepared for it. Ice melt, flashlights, candles, food for me and the dog, books downloaded, everything charged. All day it sleeted or snowed. I started feeling trapped, the walls closing in on me. Anxiety kicked in. Trying to focus on my coping skills. Failing.

It’s the middle of the night now. I’m exhausted and jittery. My heart is beating too fast. It feels like all my nerve endings are sparking. Writing is starting to calm me. Enough that I can try to remember some of my coping skills. First, deep breathing. It helped a little. Next, get out of bed and take aspirin for my headache. While up, I dabbed lavender oil on my temples and brought my comfort bear to bed with me. No joy. At least none that was discernible. 

Next I’ll try sleep music. Nature sounds with Native American flute interspersed. Earbuds in. Breathe. Just breathe. And the most remarkable happened. I could feel my heart rate slow. Gradually. Just a little at a time. At the same time I felt my frayed nerves start to release their grip. Very very slowly. Wee bit by wee bit. I could feel it happening. I don’t know if it took minutes or hours to release all that negative energy. But I remember smiling when it was done. And then asleep came. 

This is my therapy bear, with antlers. 😊